Writing a Memoir? Here’s What You Need to Know

Are you writing a memoir? Or maybe you’ve toyed with the idea but you’re not sure where to start (or end). Here’s what you need to know so you write a memoir book you’ll be proud of.

You can’t predict if your book will be a bestseller. And although hitting a bestseller list seems like a good goal, it adds too much pressure to the writing process. The more pressure you add to yourself, the harder it will be to show up and write. Instead, what you can focus on is writing a memoir that connects deeply with your readers. 

“Whatever our theme in writing, it is old and tried. Whatever our place, it has been visited by the stranger, it will never be new again..” (On Writing, 2002).

Eudora Welty (April 13, 1909 – July 23, 2001) explored the universality of themes and places in writing in her brilliant book On Writing. This universality, the common threads that tie us together, is what makes novels and memoirs most memorable. When you weave these ties throughout your book, your readers will feel connected to you, your story,  your journey. 

Connection happens through centering your memoir around a common theme, something that readers can relate to. For example, Roxane Gay’s memoir named Hunger; A Memoir of My Body. The book features her experience of violent sexual assault. The book also weaves in the concept of societal perspectives and injustices around our bodies. As black women, one of our universal experiences is the policing, criticizing, and sexualizing of our bodies from a young age. This is something many of us can unfortunately relate to and so this builds a connection.

So, how can you do the same? How can you wield the concept of universality in your writing to connect with your readers and write a memoir you’ll be proud of? 

3 Ways to Build a Connection With Readers When Writing a Memoir

#1 Use Storytelling Techniques That Captivate

Even though you’re not writing a fiction novel, storytelling techniques still apply. Many of the proven elements of storytelling captivate readers and keep them turning the page. 

Here’s a quick overview of a few key storytelling elements: 

A strong premise. What’s the point of your memoir? The premise is what gives your book focus. It’s also what builds connection as the premise is related to a universal theme, something all of us can relate to. Remember, you’re writing your memoir to build a connection. Always keep that top of mind.

Engaging characters. Are your characters interesting? Not necessarily good or bad in a cliché sense, but are they worth reading about? What makes them different, unique? You need to demonstrate this through their behavior, dialogue, and how they interact and react to the setting of the story, the environment. 

Well-organized plot. Just like a novel, the main character of your memoir (you) should experience a character arc, a transformation that demonstrates you started out one way and ended another. If you have difficulty with plotting your memoir, consider using a story structure like the ‘hero’s journey’ popularized by Joseph Campbell (March 26, 1904 – October 30, 1987) if it works with your story (it often does). This structure also brings us back to the concept of a universal theme.

Campbell delved deep into the world of universality and relatable archetypes in the mythical stories we pass on for generations and continue to depict in modern entertainment (books, movies, plays, etc.). These stories, though seemingly supernatural, are reflections of our common desires, struggles, and life journeys.  As explored in his classic work The Hero with a Thousand Faces (1949):

Reflect on that statement and you’ll understand that most movies, novels, and especially memoirs are based around the hero’s journey. It’s such a powerful story because it’s universal. We can relate to it, and so it works. 

Here’s a resource that details the Heroes Journey plot structure. 

Strong scenes. The purpose of every scene in your memoir is to move the story along. This can be tricky for some memoir writers who may want to tell their full experience, including bits that are irrelevant to the theme, plot, and character development. 

For example, you may have visited the most exquisite city just outside the village where your story is set. That’s a wonderful memory, but detailed descriptions of your visit are irrelevant to your memoir unless the description enhances the main setting of your story or further develops your characters, or moves the story along. For every scene you write, ask yourself how it is serving your story. 

Engaging dialogue. Writing dialogue is one of the biggest challenges for all writers, especially first-timers. You’ve probably heard the concept ‘show, don’t tell.’ It’s a technique that makes the difference between an engaging story and one that reads like a boring exposition. Dialogue is one of the main means of showing, not telling.  

Dialogue also captivates readers. If you’ve read Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (1997), you’ll have noticed how captivating the book is but you may not have noticed that J.K.Rowling uses dialogue for about 70% of the novel. That is not an easy feat, and I’m not encouraging you to attempt this (you’re not writing a novel, and please don’t try to be J. K. Rowling). I merely point it out to share how dialogue is one of the most powerful tools for keeping readers enthralled and for developing your characters.

What your characters say and how they say it are key ways you show who they are and how it relates to your story. 

 

#2 Tell the Truth

This may seem obvious but it has to be addressed. Write about the truth of what happened. This takes being open and vulnerable. Many first-time memoir writers tend to hold back the whole story, only writing the easy bits that are top of mind. Dig deeper and let the story unfold. When you start feeling vulnerable and exposed, you’re finally scratching below the surface, you’re getting to the good stuff. Of course, you need to be careful about naming others (you may need to change names and defining features).

Research professor and author, Dr. Brené Brown has dedicated decades to studying vulnerability. Her work revolves around facing the uncomfortable aspects of our nature (such as vulnerability, shame, courage), and how doing so leads to some of our biggest personal transformations. In her 2012 book, Daring Greatly; How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, Lead, Dr. Brown writes:

In the same way, facing our vulnerability in life gives us purpose, engaging with our vulnerability in our writing gives our books purpose. People yearn for heartfelt stories rich with authenticity.

One of the most powerful characteristics of a memoir is that it’s based on a true story. When I read a memoir, or biography, or watch a movie based on a true story, I have a different perspective than consuming a fictional narrative. I do enjoy fiction. But I often feel almost instantly bonded with the main characters of a story based in truth. My heart beats a little faster and my empathy for them feels stronger. This is connection. And this is the power you have when writing a memoir.

#3 Let the Deeper Premise of Your Story Guide Your Writing

Think about the deeper premise and how your life has changed from before, during, and after the journey. This deeper premise, the point of your memoir, is the universal theme you’re using to connect with your readers.

From Roxane Gay’s Huger: 

The book explores body image, sexual assault, society’s fatphobia, and more.  As you read along, you form a bond with Gay, not so much because you’ve had identical experiences, but because the essence of her story feels so real and close to your own in some way. The essence of her suffering, using food as a coping mechanism, and the pervasive feeling of being under society’s gaze, one because of race and two because of size. These are relatable life-themes for many of us. 

In the end, your book may land on a bestseller list. But, while writing, that shouldn’t be the aim. Focus on connection. That’s a surer path to writing a book that engages, captivates, and tells a true story of your journey. A memoir you can be proud of.